Several people have enquired what kind of resolutions I've made this year. Normally I make thousands of the little critters, but this year there are only two. The main one is not to start a war with Samoa.

It's common knowledge that I've been planning to blitz Samoa, and that I've been planning to do so for a long time. I'm starting to think that's what I like about the idea: the extensive planning. Though I also enjoy the problem solving nature of the enterprise. Let's face it: organising an army to attack an island in the Pacific Ocean is no easy matter. It's a very big ocean and a very small island. And there are decisions in every nook and cranny of the military landscape: who shall be in my army? How will they know when they're on the right island? And the really difficult one: where, exactly, is the Pacific?

So I figure if I can overcome these problems and successfully wage war against Samoa, I'll have a really satisfying sense of accomplishment.

However, I've recently discovered that Samoa would prefer not to go to war with me. Therefore, in the interest of the greater good, and the hopeful spirit of a new year, I've resolved not to attack.

The Samoans didn't say anything about planning a war, though, so I might carry on with that in secret.

My other resolution is to give up eating bananas. New year or not, I just have to stop eating bananas. I find they make me paranoid and angry, especially if I overdose on them. Once I've got a bellyful of bananas all I want to do is gather a band of armed mercenaries around me, and set sail for the Pacific.

So: no war on Samoa, and no bananas, either. I'm aiming for a calm year.