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September 5, 2002
I'm quitting: SoFo author threatens
Disenchanted with cutting edge software, Australian author Sean Hegarty may leave the industry he stumbled into by accident, it was revealed today.
Hegarty, author of Sonata for Unfinished Yelling, claimed the confusion surrounding Movable Type was "110 per cent responsible" for his disillusionment and frustration.
"I thought that Movable Type would make my journal look sexier, give my readers more input and choice, and abolish world hunger," he sniffed.
Instead he was taken aback by the difficulty of installing the software, and claims to have wasted "more than three days" just getting the program to run at all.
"Downloading the program was fine. I just clicked on something and it starting downloading. After a while, it finished. I had all the files I needed on my computer. But it's been bad news ever since."
Becoming increasingly agitated, Hegarty began wondering what else he could do with his life. "I don't mind writing SoFo," he said. "There's no pay, but the hours are good."
Hegarty is believed to be considering a move away from cyberspace unless his "final demand" is met.
"I want to talk to someone who can show me how to use Movable Type. I need help. Otherwise SoFo ends here."
He wanted to upload an image file of himself pointing a revolver at a computer, but couldn't work out how to do so.
September 6, 2002
SoFo author accidentally shoots computer
Sean Hegarty shot a bullet into his computer today, in a move he later blamed on Movable Type. While posing for press photographers Hegarty accidentally fired a gun he claimed he did not know was loaded.
After destroying his hard drive, Hegarty tried to put responsibility on to the "confusing and poorly written" manuals of the Movable Type organisation. "If they had better instruction manuals I would've got their software working weeks ago," Hegarty said. "But their manuals are a disaster, and I was just trying to publicise that."
"Then it all went horribly wrong," Hegarty added.
The bullet's impact caused an electrical blackout in three dozen homes, including his own. The resulting blast of heat also had a catastrophic impact on his nearby monitor, causing the 17 inch screen to shatter. Forensic experts described the event as a typical example of "the glass bomb effect." Shards of glass now cover much of Hegarty's work space, and have done irreparable damage to an already elderly trestle table.
Writing from a computer at the Fitzroy library, Hegarty clearly had more to add. But he was thwarted by library staff. They insisted that he allow Felicity Roberts, another local resident, to use the same machine. An outraged Hegarty was told that Roberts had already booked the next available timeslot.
Both Felicity Roberts and the Movable Type organisation were unavailable for comment.
Hegarty is accepting donations to help replace his equipment, and also to pay for a cleaning bill he describes as "exorbitant."
September 7, 2002
Library staff threatened with mangled remains of computer
Police were called to the Fitzroy library today in an incident involving SoFo author Sean Hegarty. Hegarty was apprehended while waving a mangled piece of digital wreckage around. He is believed to have been demanding more time on a library computer.
"I have a readership of dozens," he shouted, "and I can't let them down."
Hegarty claims he was never going to hurt staff. "I was hoping not to have to act on any threats," he said, "I have an Arts degree."
Two police officers arrived promptly at the scene, but rapidly lost interest.
September 8, 2002
SoFo author threatens Movable Type organisation, police, world
Sean Hegarty's enraged battle with cutting edge software has reached new heights, it has been revealed. World scrutiny has now turned to two bricks in his backyard, which block the entrance to the Elaborate Underworld Beneath his house. Hegarty has partially dislodged one of the bricks, and is threatening to completely remove both.
Doing so would allow denizens of the Elaborate Underworld Beneath unrestricted access to the sunlit world above, including its shopping malls. In a rare display of unity, spokespeople for all known organisations have strongly protested.
Hegarty is still pointing the finger of blame at the Movable Type organisation, and charging them with "at least some" of his current mental degradation.
The Movable Type organisation, and both bricks, were unavailable for comment.
September 9, 2002
World hangs in balance as two bricks move
Denizens of the Elaborate Underworld Beneath are now free to roam our world.
Sean Hegarty, frustrated writer, has moved two bricks in his backyard. This has exposed the only known entrance to the Elaborate Underworld Beneath.
The mood of six billion people has been reported as "frightened."
September 10, 2002
Disgusted author considers other tactics
A very disappointed Sean Hegarty is considering a return to bad behaviour in libraries, it was reported today.
After moving two bricks in his backyard to expose the Elaborate Underworld Beneath his house, Hegarty was dejected when evil demons with enormous fangs failed to appear.
"I was hoping that beings of pure evil would pour forth and pursue whoever it was I was angry with," a confused Hegarty said.
"But if there are no such things ... well, I'm saddened. It just doesn't seem right, does it?"
When asked how the beings of pure evil would know who to attack, Hegarty looked philosophical. "I think I read somewhere that they tend to exterminate software makers first, and writers last."
When pressed for more specific information, Hegarty eventually admitted that he'd read this in one of his own diaries.
Was it a recent entry?
Hegarty looked uncomfortable and evasive, but eventually nodded yes.
September 11, 2002
Denizens of Elaborate Underworld Beneath "tragically misunderstood"
"I'd given up," said a stunned Sean Hegarty, "and then they appeared."
The flabbergasted author was speaking today after an impromptu afternoon tea with Clive and Samantha, two denizens from the Elaborate Underworld Beneath his house.
Clive, a monkey sized goblin with a broken wing, enjoys lurking. Samantha, a darkened cloud of articulate vapour, drifts back and forth.
"I spent the first twenty minutes just trying not to spill my Earl Grey," said a still shaken Hegarty.
"Actually," said Clive, "he spent the first twenty minutes screaming at us. `Not me,' he kept yelling. `Get the Movable Type people.'"
"I think he really expected us to annihilate them," Samantha added. "As if we were going to whoosh across a vast ocean and track down a couple of software designers we don't know." She laughed with disbelief, before adding "really, it's not the kind of thing we're into."
Clive did admit that destruction of human life was "very much" within their power. "Oh, sure. But that's true of a lot of people, too. Personally, though, I'm just not interested in it. I'd rather hang out with friends. Or lurk. I'm always up for some quality lurking."
Both Clive and Samantha concede that their kind has an image problem, but regarded their chances of improving it as "low."
"We do appreciate being invited to tea, though," Clive added.
September 12, 2002
Hegarty sees Movable Type light, converts, loses friends
Only one day after swapping to new blogging software system, Sean Hegarty's friends have already had enough.
"Look, I didn't mind getting that phone call from the Fitzroy police station," said one. "I was happy to vouch for his character."
The friend, who did not wish to be named, then added that "I wouldn't do it again. He's changed. Now all he can discuss are categories and templates. As a result, I just want to shove him down the pipe in his backyard."
Hegarty is believed to have converted to the Movable Type system after finally taking a good look at the manual.
September 17, 2002
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