SoFo author Sean Hegarty is believed to have broken one of his new year's resolutions, it was revealed today. Reports from Northern Victoria claim he has eaten a "stunning" number of bananas.

But he has averted war with Samoa in spectacular style. Despite his current mood of banana fuelled aggression, Hegarty has kept his promise to not attack the tiny Pacific island. Instead, with the help of a platoon of Samoans, he is about to start a war somewhere else.

Samoan Army leader Brigadier Gotomega takes up the story:

"The only way we could convince him not to attack our nation was to show him the futility of war. So we asked him to nominate a place and he came up with Carnarvon. To be honest, we would've preferred to attack Wangaratta, as we were already there. But then we realised that we could use the time getting to Carnarvon to put him through some basic training. So off we went."

Gotomega described the long drive across the featureless Nullarbor Plain as "arduous." "It's a fairly boring drive to start with," he said, "but with Hegarty in the vehicle it becomes ... well, a lot more difficult." Gotomega now looks back on his own time as a new Army recruit as "a lot more fun, in comparison."

"Sure, I was held upside down and yelled at," he said, "but we have a long tradition of that in Samoa and at least I could see the point of it. I came out of basic training much tougher, and knowing how to shoot a gun and how to stay calm in battle."

"I very much doubt that Hegarty learned anything as useful," he added, "except in one area. After three days of training, I'd definitely say he's gotten better at cowering."

"He's just not going to make it as a soldier," says Gotomega. "He refuses to touch a gun, and he drops to the floor with both hands over his ears at the slightest opportunity. We have to load him up with bananas to get him to do anything."

Carnarvon, in Western Australia, is a small coastal town believed to lie approximately four metres above sea level. It is surrounded by banana plantations and a platoon of Samoans. Local residents seem unaware of their impending doom.