I'm sure the Fitzroy police have a hard enough job, but even so I was a bit unimpressed with the service I received from them.

This a word for word transcription of our two conversations today.

Me: Help! Help! Someone has stolen my fork!

Them: [click]

A few minutes later, after a bit more thought:

Me: This is Sean Hegarty, military renegade. I wish to report a serious crime. Someone has stolen my hostage.

Them: What's your address?

And lo, they came. They came very, very quickly. In a helicopter and everything.

But their jovial, we're-here-to-fight-crime demeanour rapidly evaporated when they discovered that the hostage wasn't a human being. I tried to explain that human hostage taking was quaint and old-fashioned. "I'm on the cutting edge of military crime," I said. "I don't even have a proper uniform."

In the end they were fairly good natured about it, and let me off with a long lecture about the dangers of wasting police time. Even better, one of them searched the kitchen and found the fork. It was hiding under a dirty plate. The same guy also gave me some useful advice. "If someone is nicking your cutlery," he said, "just put a lock on your door."