The current page:
The Nall of Wallidge
SoFo archives by name:
A great long list of individual entries
Entries by category:
Boring Old News
Mad scientist storytelling
SoFo on SoFo
The cryptic crosswords:
#1, #2, #3, #4, #5
The main page:
visitors since May 12, 2002
January 31, 2003
Carnarvon to be relocated to a different ocean
Mere hours after laying waste to Carnarvon an apologetic Sean Hegarty realised he had failed in his real goal. Aiming to "attack something on the Pacific," he had instead attacked something on the Indian Ocean. In a formal statement to the town he said "jeez, I'm really sorry about that." Hegarty attributed his continental-sized error to "not being very good with maps."
Hegarty then offered to help move the town 3,000 kilometres to the east. When a reporter asked exactly where the town would be relocated Hegarty said he would investigate a few possibilities and "get back to you."
But worse news was in store for the beleagured writer when Brigadier Gotomega of the Samoan Army called a press conference of his own.
The Brigadier, a former comrade in arms of Hegarty, could barely conceal his delight as he revealed the truth behind recent events in the town.
Gotomega started by thanking the Carnarvon Council for their "wonderful assistance" in helping to bamboozle Hegarty. "I rang them just after we left Wangaratta and ran a few ideas past them. They were happy to listen, and soon got back to me with an emphatic yes. They organised the smoke bombs and the whiteboard. I couldn't have asked for more: they were terrific people."
When asked for highlights of his time with Hegarty, Gotomega said that he was particularly pleased with how he used the whiteboard. "I told Hegarty I was outlining our battle plans, and he swallowed it. But what I was actually drawing was a tic tac toe game. I thought I was going too far, but he didn't notice."
Gotomega was also delighted by the banana-throwing episode, and quoted the story from the Carnarvon Bugle:
Hegarty throws single banana, collapses
Onlookers watched in surprise as would be military dictator Sean Hegarty attempted to angrily hurl a banana at our main street yesterday. Shouting "die, funny-smelling town," he let loose with the only weapon that his military accomplices could trust him with. But in the heat of the fake battle Hegarty lost his grip on the banana and it slipped out of his hand. Temporarily bewildered, he then lost his footing and sprawled to the ground. A moment later he was struck a glancing blow. His banana had travelled several feet upwards, and then several feet downwards, and landed on his head.
Onlookers were further astonished when Hegarty stumbled to his feet, and slipped on the banana.
"At this point," said an onlooker, "most of the Samoans and several of the locals laughed themselves into a coma."
When asked for comment, Hegarty abruptly retracted his apology for attacking Carnarvon. He also expressed a desire to return to Fitzroy as soon as possible, and a willingness to "punish" the banana that landed on his head.Posted by Sean Hegarty at 10:55 PM in the War with Samoa category | Comments (1)
Popular things on this site:
The Coaxer moustache
My war with Samoa
Movable Type vs. SoFo
Confronting a rat
Travels through Iran, Pakistan and India
Hot Soup Girl
Powered by Movable Type
Web hosting by Paul Bamber of Zen115